


Hell in a Hatstand

by M_The_Muse



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: 2D Just Wanted Love, 2Hat, I Actually Cried Writing This Don't Judge Me, I Don't Even Know, Please Kill Me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 19:15:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_The_Muse/pseuds/M_The_Muse
Summary: 2D takes a Hatstand on a date.





	Hell in a Hatstand

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be cute but it went to shit very quickly.

Walking into the interview room was a natural feeling to Stu, so much so that it was boring. The routine was that his fellow bandmates sat in the empty chairs, talked to the interviewers, and then left. It was never really very interesting after the first dozen, but that’s what you did when you were famous.

Today though, Stu’s bad eyes were locked onto a girl in the corner. Her darkly tanned skin, bone thin frame, astounding height, and beautiful sunhat atop short hair that was almost identical to her complexion. She obviously had a taste for earthy colours, and seemed to be very shy from the way she never left the corner. It was almost time to go, so Stu was quick to act despite a slow mind.

“What’s tha’ pretty bird’s name ova’ there?” Stu asked a passing intern.

“That’s a hatstand, sir.” 

“Haylen. Such a ‘culiar name, but I like it.” Stu sighed, grinning widely to his blank-faced bandmates.

The remaining band members exchanged a glance, silently wondering if Stu was honestly that dense. They considered that it may be a joke, but the way Stu nervously strutted up to the hatstand said otherwise. Murdoc opened his mouth to speak, but quickly shut it to rethink the insult he was most likely going to spit.

“Murdoc, you tell him.” Russel finally spoke up, “Don’ deserve to find out the hard way.”

“No Murdoc, don’t tell him. I want to see where he takes this.” Noodle chirped, leaning on Russel’s shoulder.

“Noodle, it’s a damn hatstand. Surely Stu will recognise that before it goes anywhere.” Murdoc griped, “Better hurry, because i’s me drinkin’ time.”

“Oh hush, it’s always your drinking time.” Russel slapped Murdoc over the head at his statement.

While this was all happening, Stu had imagined having a lovely conversation with this lady. His years of substance abuse coupled with poor eyesight made it seem like the hatstand was actually responding to his advances. Haylen seemed to be an amazing woman to him, and he was getting on with her very well.

“Oh, I ‘ave to go. . .” Stu trailed off, raising his eyes to meet her deep brown ones. “Maybe ya coul’ come along with me somewhere?”

Now, to everyone else, he was talking to an inanimate hatstand. But to Stu, he watched Haylen nod silently and seem to offer her arm to take. He happily took her surprisingly strong and smooth arm, and began a slow walk with her out of the interview building. Russel pulled out his wallet, and pulled out some cash as everyone watched the delusional man drag out the hatstand.

“How much will it take to keep this quiet and pay for that hatstand?” The large man bent down a bit to talk with the intern.

“You aren’t going to stop him?” Murdoc waved his arm in the direction of Stu’s giggling and scraping of wood against floor. “He could try to shag that hatstand if we don’t, and he’s going to be rightly disappointed then.”

“Murdoc, you know he’s gotten a bit more. . .” Noodle stopped herself to consider her words, “Well, he’s been more. . . confused these passing months.”

“He’s lost his bloody mind, that’s what! Am I the only person who thinks we should stop him?”

“C’mon,” Russel tucked away his wallet, “just let him be in love for a little while longer. Let’s go.”

Stu was on cloud nine with his new date. They walked to the nearby park together, Haylen smiling bright as her heeled shoes clacked on the road. The tall man could only marvel at her graceful stride, and the way she’d firmly grasp his hand. If only he could notice all the people staring or recording him making lovey gestures toward a hatstand that he was tugging around. Haylen giggled softly when he tripped, hunching over to peck his cheek on the ground. Though, the stand had fallen over and hit his cheek in reality. Stu knew she never talked, but her actions spoke louder than words could ever dream of. He stood, red in the face with a dopey gapped grin on his face.

“I know we jus’ met an’ all, but I quite like you.” Stu mumbled, taking her hand and leaning close to her face. “Am I ‘lowed to do this?”

Haylen gave a slight nod, and Stu was so overjoyed that he gave her a soft kiss. In Stu’s head, he only felt how smooth her lips were, and her slim arms softly rubbing his sides. To everyone else, he was making out with a hatstand. Getting quite into it, too. By the time he pulled away his hand was on where he imagined her rear was, and the other was around her slender neck. Stu was infatuated with this woman. It didn’t matter how soon he’d met her, or that she was mute. 

“Sorry, got a bit carried ‘way.” The lanky man removed his hand from her backside. “Wan’ to catch a movie ‘fore the day’s done?”

By this time, the rest of the band had been home for a while and saw Stu’s date through social media. Videos and pictures flooded in, all tagged to them by fans. Noodle, the most active social media user, naturally saw them first. After watching Stu make out with a hatstand for three whole minutes that someone put to Careless Whisper, she finally decided to tell the others. Murdoc grabbed his coat and began to walk out of the house after being told. He was going to have Stu’s ass for actually taking it this far.

“Murdoc come back!” Noodle called, pulling on her fur jacket. “He doesn’t know any better!”

“It’s a piece of wood, and he needs to know it!”

“You need to know that this is your fault in the first place!” Russel boomed, freezing Murdoc in his tracks.

“Don’t think I know? Dent-Face is so broke up ‘cause of me, and I have a sliver of mercy to fix him.” Murdoc began a swift pace, others rushing to match him.

Stu drug Haylen up to the cinema’s ticket booth, pressing himself close to her thin figure. His mind playing out that she was playing with his hair as he tried to buy their tickets. A horror movie was showing tonight, and she seemed very happy to see it. The ticket woman only saw him giggling at a hatstand, telling her that he needed two tickets for him and his date. The woman simply told him he couldn’t take the hatstand into the cinema, but was met with a look of confusion.

“Why can’t I take my date into the cinema?” Stu asked the woman, who was now exiting the booth.

“Sir, that’s not a human.” She stated hesitantly, as if afraid for her wellbeing. “This is something you put hats on, a hatstand.”

“Haylen is human a’ you and I!” Stu laughed, “This’ a funny joke, but I’d like my ticke’s now.”

“Sir, please. That’s a hatstand.” The shorter woman stood on her toes and knocked on the side of the stand to show it was made of wood. 

The blue haired man shoved the woman away from Haylen. The image of his date being hit playing within his mind instead of her knocking on wood. A few bystanders shouted at Stu for shoving her, but he didn’t care. He shouted a few obscenities at her for hurting Haylen, but when he glanced back his dream girl was seemingly dissolving into a painfully thin figure. A large sunhat atop her wooden frame, no face or distinguishable features on her. Stu was left in horror at the truth of the woman’s words; his date really was a hatstand.

Stu had no time to say anything to the woman before his bandmates drug him away. Tears welled up and overflowed from his blackened eyes as he sobbed, muttering incomprehensibly at his bandmates and the hatstand he’d once loved that Noodle was carrying. He could hear Russel seeming to blame Murdoc, but the small ringing that began in his ears made it unclear if Murdoc responded. 

“Guys, what are we going to do?’ Noodle tilted her head towards Stu, “I think there’s something really wrong this time. . .”

“You think?” Murdoc griped, “I think he’s gone off the edge once and for all.”

“Let’s just get him home first, then we’ll all talk about it when we get him calmed down.”

Stu had konked out by the time they got him home. Russel laid him on the couch as the rest of them sat in chairs within the same room, Noodle placing the hatstand in the hallway. The larger man lightly shook Stu until he’d slowly rose from his spot on the couch. A shameful expression on the tall man’s face as his friends stared at him in concern.

“‘’m sorry guys.” Stu whimpered at how his voice cracked, “I didn’ mean for tha’ to ‘appen.”

“Stu. . .” Noodle began, searching for the right words.

“Look Dents, this is starting to worry some of us.” Murdoc picked up for her, “You seem to be getting more and more mixed up about what’s real and what isn’t.”

“Murdoc-”

“Noodle, sometimes you can’t do it gently.” Murdoc flicked his gaze to the girl before returning it to Stu’s colourless gaze. “We think something is wrong with you, but not that you’re necessarily crazy.”

“I don’ fink I unda’stand, Muds.”

“Stu, you went on a date with a hatstand and knocked a poor girl over because she was trying to tell you that it wasn’t a person.”

“Haylen was a beaut. I jus’ got carried ‘way.”

“She wasn’t real. You need to realise that. Stu I know it hurts, but we think it would be best if you went to a doctor. Not a shrink, but just one to see if you could do something to fix your eyes.”

“You’re goin’ to take me to a shrink too, aren’t ya?”

Murdoc sighed and glanced between everyone. Noodle closed her eyes, and prepared to take over the conversation. 

“Yes, but only because you carried on with that hatstand-”

“Haylen,” Stu interrupted, “her name’s Haylen.”

“Fine, Haylen and yourself are all over social media because people think you’re crazy.” Noodle sighed, “We just don’t want you getting hurt by others or yourself.”

Stu started to tear up again. He finally understood now. They are only looking out for him because things like this could really hurt his career or even threaten his life. What could he do except agree? Haylen was such a good woman, but all the people yelling at him or posting about it were worried about him. So many people want him to be okay, but that puts so much pressure on him. 

His three friends sat beside him on the couch, comforting him as he cried. Even Murdoc sat through his sobbing, which was a very big deal for Stu. None of them knew what to do, but decided that sitting together like this would be best.

**Author's Note:**

> Help me.


End file.
